Voldy's Story
by DrarryJohnlock18
Summary: It's a funny one shot that I wrote whilst ill about Voldy and his story Has a bit of the Hunger Games in at the end but not much Kind of a Quirrellmort or whatever it is. - Draco


**Hi guys! Well I'm ill today so I wrote this one shot thing. Actually. I'm not really sure what it is. I had no idea where I was going with it so yeah. Soz for any mistakes and please review! ~ Draco**

* * *

"So Seveiwevy, IT'S BEEN SO LONG!" Voldemort said as he launched himself at the bewildered Professor.

"I heard you're learning to play the Euphonium! How's that going?!" Severus said as he sat down on the Unicorn next to the Dark Lord.

"I am and that's going swimmingly thank you Severus. I heard that you're learning to play the Ocarina!"

"Ohh yes, I love playing it, it makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside Volders. How is Bontina The Unicorn With Fins And A Mane, Botina for short?" He asked, patting Botina The Unicorn With Fins And A Mane's head.

"Well I'm afraid she didn't get on very well with Geria The Gorilla With An Incredibly Long Tail unfortunately." Voldemort said, sadly patting Botina's mane.

"I mean seriously who comes up with these names!?" Severus asked.

Voldemort looked affronted. "I do you blithering idiot!"

"Ohh, that explains it." Severus laughed.

"Sir, your majesty and wholey good one with the best pizza maker in the world. I have a parcel!" Draco Malfoy said.

"And what is in this parcel young, small-"

"-Scary." Snape interjected.

"Scary, majestic-"

"-Elegant." Snape again.

"Elegant, beautiful one?" Voldemort said, bowing.

"Well your highness and amazingly, awkward, fab, legit, Lord, it is from Harry Potter!" Draco replied.

"And what does my scrawny, specky, not-powerful-but-actually-powerful, mysterious-"

"-Luxurious." Draco interjected.

"Luxurious, ridiculous, desirable enemy want?"

"Well why don't you open it your legit sirness?!" Draco said, jumping up and down.

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh can _I _open it Volderia?!" Snape asked.

"No you most certainly can not. It is my parcel." Voldemort said, ripping the parcel out of young Draco's hands.

"I'll be off then peasants." Draco said leaping onto his Yeti-Crab and racing away.

"Erhmehgawd I wonder what it is your majesticness sir." Sev said.

"Oh I don't know!" Voldemort said, squirming with excitement. Severus watched in awe as Voldemort ripped the tape off the box and pulled out...

"OH MY ZEUS ON A BROOM WITH JESUS AND MERLIN! IT'S A ONE DIRECTION CALENDER! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THESE! LOOK IT COMES WITH A T-SHIRT TOO SEVERUS! AHHH SNHVBNSDJGVBCDJBVEISKB I JUST OH MY GOD HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP THE FEELS!" Voldemort said as he dropped to his knees, clutching the calendar and t-shirt to his chest.

"Oh my Voldemort I'm sooooooooo jealous!" Severus said as Voldemort put the t-shirt on.

"Harry always knows exactly what to get me for Christmas!" Voldemort said as he flipped through the calendar.

"Ohh look at Niall's little face. And look at Zayn's smoulder. And Liam! When did he get so mature! Ah Louis, as immature as ever. And Harry. How can he be so hot. Aww Voldy pleaseeeeeeeeee let me have it pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" Sev said, pulling off his best puppy dog eyes ever,

"No. It's mine. They're all mine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHEN I TAKE OVER THE WORLD THEY WILL ALL BE MINE!" Voldemort said, rolling on the floor holding the calendar to his face.

"But I am hotter than you your non majestyness, they will perform their music for meeeeeeeeee!" Severus said, laughing evilly.

"Bu-bu-bu-bu-but Severuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu s. You're so meant to me! All I ever did was be nice to you!" Voldemort sobbed.

"I am a Slytherin Voldy. Now. I shall go plot." And with that, Severus walked over to Upinoia (the flying Giant Coconut Crab).

"Severus, SEVERUS PLEASE COME BACK HODGEPODGE THE BIKINI MISSES YOU. PLEASEEEEEEEEE?" Voldemort pleaded. He looked round. He was standing in Diragined beauticians parler. He'd just had his head waxed. You can never be too careful. There were seats in the corner, as well as his own range of transportive animals, his Bratz top trumps which went everywhere with him. There were sinks in the other corner and the shop had been cleared to let him talk to Severus.

"Why are you all so beautiful?" He said to the One Direction calendar. "Come one, I don't want to keep you out in the open too long. Let's go and see if Albus has got that poster he was boasting about on his floo call."

* * *

"Voldemort, what can I do for you?" Dumbledore asked as the Dark Lord stepped through the floo.

"Well Alburino I was wondering, if you had that 1D poster you were boasting about?" Voldemort said, helping himself to a seat.

"As a matter of fact, I do not lie so of course I do. Why?"

"Well I've got one better than that. Look at this t-shirt _and_ poster Harry got me!" Dumbledore bustled over.

"That Bastard. We are meant to be down with it, you know, all that shit. I can't believe he would betray me. Oh my God, Voldy have you been working behind my back. You know we have to go by the storyline that Harry doesn't know about. You can't be friends with him!" Dumbledore said, sitting down and eyeing the 1D stuff longingly.

"But I just thought that if we were friends I wouldn't have to die."

"But that's the way the story goes."

"But I'm _always _the bad one. Why can't I be the good wise one!?" Voldemort said, exasperated. "All I want to do is ride my anaconda and be friends with unicorns and faries and daisies."

"There there Voldy. I have to die too!" Dumbledore said.

"But what about all my Alpacas! Who will look after them until the next story!?" Voldemort said, absentmindedly stroking Calender-Zayn's face.

"I'm sure Harry will, and you'll see them in the next story!"

"I want some apple juice." Voldemort said, still stroking the calendar.

"Come on, I'm sure Aberforth will serve you some for free."

"Oh yay! I love applejuice." Voldemort said standing up. "I have not had applejuice since Lord Of The Rings. Gollum did have a taste for orange juice though..."

* * *

"Here y'are Mouldy." Aberforth said.

"I told you, it's Voldy." He said, rolling his eyes and taking a sip from his thirty seventh apple juice.

"Zats de fabuloustest sunsez I's evers een."

"Go home Ronald. You. Are. Drunk." Voldemort said. "And remember to feed Sachia in the morning."

"Jizz Mouldy, 'ow many fanimalz do yo haf?" Ron said, staggering to the door.

"Hermeeonee, take him home." Voldemort said.

"It's Hermione. And yes I'll remind him to feed Sachia." She said, walking out with the singing Ron.

"Honestly. Will that boy never learn." Dumbledore said, shaking his head. "Anyway, I must go, have to die, I'll see you in The Hunger Games."Dumbledore said, standing up.

"Who are you?" Voldemort asked.

"President Snow! I'm finally a bad guy!" Dumbledore said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Haymitch Abernathy! Finally a good guy!" Dumbledore laughed.

"See you in the arena!" Dumbledore said.

"Happy Hunger Games!"

"And may the odds, be _ever _in your favour!" And with that. Dumbledore walked to his three hundredth death that decade.

"So, Aberforth, who are you in the Hunger Games?" Voldemort asked.

"Well, I'm Caesar Flickerman. I know Harry is Peter, and Ron is Gale but do you have any idea who Katniss is?" Aberforth asked.

"Well personally, I think it should be Hermione, I think she said something about it being between her and Ginny."

"Ohhh. Interesting. I know Neville is Finnick."

"Oh yes, I'm none the wiser on any of the others though. What about the new Percy Jackson?" Voldemort asked, petting Hefarie (the hedgehog).

"Well I heard that Harry is once again the hero, Peter or Pedro or whatever his name is."

"Percy, I think Ginny is Annabeth and Ron is definitely Tyson, I think Hermione is Clarisse and I'm Hades, I think Dumbledore said he was Zeus but I don't know who Poseidon is." Voldemort said.

"Well I'm Poseidon believe it or not." Aberforth said proudly.

"Oh my gawd, well done!" Voldemort said, clapping his hands like a five year old girl.

"Ermehgawd, I wonder who will be who in The Host?! That's is so like my favourite book of all time ever!" Voldemort said.

"Ohhhh I don't know, I hope they cast it right, or it will all end in a shambles." Aberforth said.

"Anyway" Voldemort began, draining the last of his apple juice. "I've finished your apple juice so now, I shall head back to my secret hideout of the Malfoy manner that you can enter at will."

"Good bye Mouldy!" Aberforth waved cheerily.

"Good bye minion!" Voldemort said as he swept out. He apparated to Malfoy manner and walked to his throne room as he liked to call it. He sat down with a heavy sigh.

"What is it Voldemort?" Lucius asked, massaging The Dark Lord's shoulder's.

"Oh Lucius. Why do I always have to be the evil one. I mean, really. I just want Quirrell back. He understands me. I can't wait until I die in this series. At least then I could go to the Hunger Games and see if he's there."

"I'm sure he will be My Lord."

"But I have to wait a whole nother yearrrrrrrrrr." Voldemort complained putting his head in his hands.

"But it will go quickly my lord, the Golden Trio go camping so you're not in it until the endish. You can look after your animals and stare at the One Direction items you have that cover your room!"

"I suppose you're right." Voldemort sighed again. "Lucius, call a house elf and tell them to get my Polly Pocket set, the one that also has the Sylvanian Families with it."

"Yes my Lord." Lucius said as he ran into another chamber.

"I wonder if Dumbledore is dead yet." Voldemort wondered aloud to himself. An eerie silence answered him so he began to hum the teletubbies theme tune.

"Here you are my lord." Lucius said, handing over the set.

"Yay! 'Ermehgawd Polly, I thought we were friends, I can't believe you'd go off with Arabella, I mean I was your friend first!'" Voldemort said in a high pitched voice, grabbing two dolls.

"'But Arabella has nicer clothes than you, _she _calls me 'Polls'. So I thank you for your opinion on the matter, _Gracinda_, but I really couldn't care less what you thought.'

'Have it your way, I'm going to hang out with Brad.'

'But Brad is my boyfriend Gracinda! That's low. Even for you.'

'I suppose you're right, maybe I shouldn't... But wait, you went off with Tom so I will.'

'It's not my fault he's into me!'

'Yeah but there's no need to double date them. Tom doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be with me!'

'No he doesn't, you're basically the equivalent of a troll.'

'You take that back Polly.'

'No you bitch you deserve it.'

'You whore!'

Bitch fight ahahahahahahah." Voldemort laughed as he hit the two characters together. "Polly! Ermehgawd! Lucius! Fix her!" He said, holding out the dolls body and separate head.

"She has become headless you darkness sir." Lucius said, snickering.

"It isn't funny! She's my favourite!" Voldemort said, desperately trying to find a spell that would fix her. "Noooooooooooo Pollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Quirrell would know how to fix her!" Voldemort said, sobbing.

* * *

The next year passed slowly for Voldemort, he was distraught over Polly's death and would not speak to Lucius. He played with the One Direction dolls he'd got a couple Christmases ago. But he was incredibly careful with them. He, more often than not, got bored and pined for Quirrell. He stopped going out with Severus and stayed in all day, counting down the hours until he could possibly see the brave Professor again. Finally the time came, the final show down between him and his arch-nemesis-lol-actually-friend Harry Potter.

"See you soon Lucius!" He said as he skipped out the manner and apparated to Hogwarts. He greeted the Death Eaters and they started the well known scene. It took hours but eventually it was him and Harry. No horcruxes _bloody things, preventing me seeing Quirrell _no Death Eaters or good people.

"See you in the Hunger Games Harry!" He called as he went through the boring process of dying. He walked into the very different place of the Hunger Games land as Haymitch and immediately spotted Quirrell as Seneca Crane.

"Seneca?" He said, voice small.

"Ermehgawd Haymitch!" Seneca shouted as he ran over. Haymitch pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

"I missed you so much!" He said, kissing the man softly.

"I missed you too Haymitch."

* * *

**And there you have it. My weird one shot. Plz Review and shit and check out our other stories. Now. Do I make this a crossover or not... ~ Draco**


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